To my children: I’m sorry

You deserved better from me

If my children ever read this, I want you to know that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the things I said and did that I wish I could take back. For the frustration, the anger, the volume, and the rage. For the moments when what came out of me was not the tenderness you deserved.

It was my responsibility to show you the best of a father’s love. There were moments when I did not do that. Those moments were my responsibility. They were not your fault.

You were never too much

My anger was never a measure of your worth. You were not too loud, too emotional, too difficult, or too much to love.

(Actually, Landon—you’re definitely too loud sometimes. I take that one back.)

You deserved to feel safe in my love, even when I was tired, afraid, overwhelmed, or upset. You deserved a father who could hold a boundary without making you question whether you were still loved.

I am sorry for every time I made that love feel uncertain.

I will keep becoming

I cannot change the moments that have already happened. I can take responsibility for them. I can listen when you tell me how they felt. I can repair what I can, and I can keep changing how I show up.

I will not ask you to make this apology easier for me. You do not owe me reassurance, understanding, or forgiveness.

I love you. I am sorry. And I will keep working to become a safer, steadier, and more tender father to you.